The Retard Cyclist

The retard cyclist is that cyclist who thinks they can cycle the wrong way down a road as if it were normal. I've seen a few RCs in my time but usually there is a good excuse like they are African and this is how they cycle in Africa. But when you see your own kind doing it, in your own city, you start wondering if stupidity is now an institution.

With the coronavirus encouraging people to get on their bikes some cities like Glasgow have marked out cycle lanes on roads to accommodate the increase in self-propelled traffic. These cycle lanes naturally follow the same direction as the road (duh) and have, just in case morons are about, huge painted markings at their entrances stating in block capitals three feet high: NO ENTRY.

Does this stop the RC,  and the cyclist so enmeshed in his own echo chamber (headphones in, dog running by his side, staring into phone...)? No, it does not. Which convinces me at times (and this is the danger of the echo chamber accessories) that they still think they are on a treadmill in their local gym.

Yet, it is not all bad. For the RC convinces the driver of cars that danger is afoot. The RC, even though a bane on all our lives,  helps to convince car drivers that cyclists are more retarded than they are. So, as studies have shown, the more freaky a cyclist behaves and looks to a car driver the more room the car driver will give them. Logical, no? Conversely, the safer a cyclist looks (helmet, hi-viz, all the bells and whistles) and behaves the less room a car driver will give them. So, in a perverse sort of way, the RC does us all a favour by inputting the random factor and causing cars to give way.

God bless the retard cyclist!